It’s not that I don’t trust you… I just don’t trust HER.
To what extent could sleeping with my ex-girlfriend, who is now very firmly just a friend, jeopardize the acceptability/reasonability of said relationship to any future potential girlfriends? First let me start by saying that I'm asking a very specific and focused question here. Please address it instead of what you think the issue should be. If you've got something substantial to say about the question but want to add a minor point about the collateral stuff feel free but please don't waste your time to tell me "that friends with benefits is impossible," or anything like that.
Okay so here are the details.
* I am a guy in my mid twenties and finishing graduate school.
* The Ex and I dated for almost 4 years. We broke up because the way our relationship developed in each others eyes we were Mr. Buzzkill and Ms. Irresponsible respectively, and those roles only grew more intense as the years went on with no sign of slowing.
* After we broke up we didn't really speak for about a year; however, at one point we arranged to meet up. After trudging through the obligatory awkward conversation to feel each other out, it was like instantly becoming best friends.
* That was about a year and a half ago and we're still very good friends. We talk about everything including each other's sex lives. We'll hang out in a group or she'll just come over, hangout and drink, sometimes to excess. (We don't fool around.)
Now as it stands, my relationship with her is very important to me. When I date women, I make sure to mention the Ex's existence, the duration of the relationship, and I also make it very clear that we're close, often hangout one on one, but would never get back together again. (I don't blurt it out awkwardly or anything, people tend to ask enough about previous relationships that it finds it's way out, before I enter into an exclusive relationship.)
As far as I'm concerned, my relationship with the Ex is perfectly reasonable and I should never have to choose between my friendship with my Ex (as it stands) and a future relationship as long as I've disclosed all this information up front before getting seriously involved with someone. Like many people on this site have advised, if they have a problem with it, they don't have to date me.
Recent development:
* In regards to talking about sex, her biggest complaint is how little time she really has compared to how long it takes to get comfortable with someone to let them get physical with her. It doesn't help that the last couple just weren't very good in that department. (For whatever reason she's really not interested in relationships right now; it's a "freedom of being single" thing.)
* The next time we hangout she suggests that we could hook up and I turn her down. While I have secondary concerns that it could damage our friendship, my main concern is something 100% hypothetical
Would sleeping with my Ex change the acceptability of our friendship (including one-on-one hanging out) to hypothetical future relationships? As I mentioned supra, I wouldn't have ANY problem holding my ground and getting a woman to accept that the Ex and I are now close friends whom won't be getting back into a relationship or hooking up just because we drink around one another. That in itself has been tried and tested to be true. Now, sleeping with the Ex wouldn't change any of those things in reality, it's just a situation based in convenience because I'll be leaving soon and she'd like a "sure thing good time." (And yes that's a great ego boost.)
The problem is, I think adding the fact that we started sleeping together outside of our relationship, even long after it was over, would be the thing I wouldn't be able to justify. I'm not sure but I think that if I was in that situation, that additional fact would probably make me uncomfortable with the relationship.
It all boils down to 4 months of sex isn't worth losing the future of my relationship with my Ex. Problem is I can't tell if that added detail would make as much of a difference to a future partner as I think it would. I've had the few people I've mentioned this to amazed that I would ever hold back due to this concern. What does the hive mind think?
Okay so here are the details.
* I am a guy in my mid twenties and finishing graduate school.
* The Ex and I dated for almost 4 years. We broke up because the way our relationship developed in each others eyes we were Mr. Buzzkill and Ms. Irresponsible respectively, and those roles only grew more intense as the years went on with no sign of slowing.
* After we broke up we didn't really speak for about a year; however, at one point we arranged to meet up. After trudging through the obligatory awkward conversation to feel each other out, it was like instantly becoming best friends.
* That was about a year and a half ago and we're still very good friends. We talk about everything including each other's sex lives. We'll hang out in a group or she'll just come over, hangout and drink, sometimes to excess. (We don't fool around.)
Now as it stands, my relationship with her is very important to me. When I date women, I make sure to mention the Ex's existence, the duration of the relationship, and I also make it very clear that we're close, often hangout one on one, but would never get back together again. (I don't blurt it out awkwardly or anything, people tend to ask enough about previous relationships that it finds it's way out, before I enter into an exclusive relationship.)
As far as I'm concerned, my relationship with the Ex is perfectly reasonable and I should never have to choose between my friendship with my Ex (as it stands) and a future relationship as long as I've disclosed all this information up front before getting seriously involved with someone. Like many people on this site have advised, if they have a problem with it, they don't have to date me.
Recent development:
* In regards to talking about sex, her biggest complaint is how little time she really has compared to how long it takes to get comfortable with someone to let them get physical with her. It doesn't help that the last couple just weren't very good in that department. (For whatever reason she's really not interested in relationships right now; it's a "freedom of being single" thing.)
* The next time we hangout she suggests that we could hook up and I turn her down. While I have secondary concerns that it could damage our friendship, my main concern is something 100% hypothetical
Would sleeping with my Ex change the acceptability of our friendship (including one-on-one hanging out) to hypothetical future relationships? As I mentioned supra, I wouldn't have ANY problem holding my ground and getting a woman to accept that the Ex and I are now close friends whom won't be getting back into a relationship or hooking up just because we drink around one another. That in itself has been tried and tested to be true. Now, sleeping with the Ex wouldn't change any of those things in reality, it's just a situation based in convenience because I'll be leaving soon and she'd like a "sure thing good time." (And yes that's a great ego boost.)
The problem is, I think adding the fact that we started sleeping together outside of our relationship, even long after it was over, would be the thing I wouldn't be able to justify. I'm not sure but I think that if I was in that situation, that additional fact would probably make me uncomfortable with the relationship.
It all boils down to 4 months of sex isn't worth losing the future of my relationship with my Ex. Problem is I can't tell if that added detail would make as much of a difference to a future partner as I think it would. I've had the few people I've mentioned this to amazed that I would ever hold back due to this concern. What does the hive mind think?
